When we think about Domestic Violence Awareness Month, what often comes to mind is statistics: 1 in 3 women. 1 in 3 teens. 1 in 4 men.
We ponder how those numbers can be so high. We think about the coercive behaviors, power, and control that can take place within an abusive relationship. You might even think of the phrase, “Everyone knows someone.”
And if everyone knows someone, and domestic violence is this common, how do we not see the signs more? How could we not know the signs?
Sometimes, domestic violence does not begin with the big red flag we have been taught to look for. Sometimes, it looks like a partner who does not have a job, stays home with the children, and slowly begins to make you feel like everything you have is owed to them.
Sometimes, it is being told how you should wear your hair, what your body should look like, who you should spend time with, or what you should be grateful for. Sometimes, it is being hit. Sometimes, it is being constantly criticized, manipulated, blamed, or made to question your own feelings and reality.
And sometimes, it is much quieter: a partner who controls the money, isolates you from the people you love, or makes you believe that their behavior is happening because they care about you.
Abuse can become so intertwined with everyday life that it is difficult to recognize where love ends and control begins. Especially when these behaviors feel familiar, or when we have grown up seeing similar dynamics around us, we may not immediately recognize them for what they are.
This is one of the realities of domestic violence: it does not always look like a red flag. Sometimes, it looks like a relationship.
Leaving is often a lot easier from the outside looking in. Most survivors do not leave simply because they do not want to.
There are many reasons someone may stay, including hope, fear, love, low self-esteem, lack of support, lack of resources, fear of deportation, accessibility barriers, social pressure, fear of institutions or prejudice, children, financial stability, language barriers, and concerns for their pets.
For many survivors, leaving is not one decision; it can involve navigating numerous barriers while trying to remain safe.
This is why we must stand with survivors, always, not just during Domestic Violence Awareness Month, but every day. We must believe survivors and remind them that what is happening is not their fault.
We can maintain a strong relationship with them and ask if they would like information about their local domestic violence organization. We can ask if they would like support from other individuals or institutions, such as a counselor, law enforcement, or a Title IX officer.
We should try not to speak poorly about the abusive partner, because doing so can sometimes create more distance between a survivor and the people they may need for support. When appropriate, we can discuss safety planning and gently talk about indicators that may increase a survivor’s risk.
Most importantly, we can listen much more than we share or question.
Supporting survivors also means looking beyond individual relationships and thinking about what social and community action can be taken to ensure survivors have access to the resources and support they deserve.
Survivors deserve resources. They deserve to be believed. They deserve to have their experiences taken seriously rather than minimized.
Domestic violence awareness is more than recognizing red flags. It is about understanding the realities of abuse, recognizing the many forms it can take, and understanding the barriers that can make leaving difficult or unsafe.
It is about creating communities where survivors know they will be believed, supported, and connected to resources without judgment.
Resources are available: Texas Council on Family Violence, love is respect, Futures Without Violence, National Domestic Violence Hotline, National Sexual Violence Resource Center, National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, and, of course, The Bridge Over Troubled Waters 24/7 Hotline: 713-473-2801.
During Domestic Violence Awareness Month and every month, let’s remember that supporting survivors starts with believing them, listening to them, and making sure they know they are not alone.
